In a Van Down By the River
by soapfiction
Summary: Chris Farley comes to the Tendo Dojo. Hilarity ensues. [Title has been changed]


**In a Van Down By the River  
**

Another SNL feature! Matt Foley visits the Tendo Dojo to help Ranma out with his relationship problem. I got the idea for this fic after reading carrotglace's "Hanz and Franz" fic. This time, Chris Farley steps into game. Chris was a funny guy. May he rest in peace.

xxx

The Tendo Dojo seemed normal on this day. Soun and Genma were having their daily shogi matches, Kasumi was quietly working on a special piece in the kitchen, Nabiki was on the phone trying to get some sort of con to pull through, and Ranma and Akane were having their daily argument over whatever. And more was yet to come.

Akane chased a towel-clad Ranma down the hall from the bathroom, mallet in hand.

"You stupid jerk! How dare you use up all the conditioner!"

Ranma, who was still male at the time, had to move carefully to avoid the mallet swings and keep his towel on. "For crying out loud, Akane, there was only enough left for one! If you cared so much, maybe you should've decided to bathe first!"

"I had to practice! And I told you to leave it for me! I need the stuff more than you do!"

"Since when? Your hair isn't exactly in the best shape either, you know!"

Akane was about to bring down a titanic swing when a purple blur zoomed in through the door, and latched onto Ranma.

"Airen!" she chirped. "Ranma happy to see Shampoo?"

Shampoo obviously took no notice of the fact that Ranma had lost the grip on his towel, and was now standing bare all over while blushing profusely as Shampoo continued to hug him. Akane was blushing as well, and immediately hammered Ranma down the hall with her mallet, still looking away.

Suddenly, she was glomped by another intruder. "Shampoo! How could you take off without telling me? I was coming too!"

"Get off of me, you blind jerk!" Akane yelled as she smacked Mousse. He put on his glasses, and looked for Shampoo, who was attending to the injured, and still naked Ranma.

"Ranma okay?" she asked as she patched up his nosebleed. "Ranma get up. We have to do something now-"

She was cut off by yet another newcomer, who was angrily wielding a giant spatula. "Get your filthy hands off Ran-chan, you hussy!" She took a swing at Shampoo, who jumped back. While the two fought, Akane covered Ranma with a towel. As she did this, the wall immediately came crumbling down, debris falling all over Ranma. "Where am I _now_?" Ryoga yelled as he climbed through the wreckage.

"Ryoga?" Akane said. "What are you doing here?"

Ryoga caught sight of her, and began to stutter. "Oh, uh…I made it to Akane's house! On time, too!" He walked up to her. "Thanks for calling me here, Akane. What did you want to talk about?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "I didn't call you here. I don't know why _anyone_ is here right now!"

"Because _I_ called them" said Soun at the end of the hall.

Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. "You did Daddy? Why?"

"Yeah, why did you call us here, Mr. Tendo?" Ukyo asked.

Genma stepped in behind Soun. "We've called you all here today because we need to settle an important matter" he said, "and it involves all of you."

Ranma, now clothed, walked up to the two. "What are you talking about? We don't have any problems right now."

"Oh, that's not true, son" Soun said. "Everyone follow me into the living room." He turned and walked to the room.

Everyone looked at each other, shrugged, and followed. When everyone, including Nabiki and Kasumi, was sitting down, Soun and Genma sat across from them all.

"Now, we all know that, since our failed attempt at a wedding for Ranma and Akane, there has been some problem concerning relationships for you all."

Ukyo, Shampoo and Akane all gave each other a hard glare, remembering the incident.

Soun continued, "So we've decided to settle it all here and now. First, we needed to get all of you together. Then, we needed a way to help sort the problem out. But who are we to tell you who you should date or marry, right?"

Akane and Ranma both scoffed at the hypocrisy. Soun ignored them, and continued. "So, we decided to take a different approach: a motivational speaker."

"You know, one of those people who speaks to large crowds at schools and support groups?" Genma said.

All of the teens had wide eyes. "You called us here for this?" Ukyo asked.

"Yes" Soun said.

"Yeah, okay." "Bye, dad." "I'm going home now." "I gotta get back to the shop." "Shampoo have work to do." "I've got to go on a journey now."

Soun stopped them all before they could walk through the door. "Hey, c'mon you all, this sent me back a few thousand yen." He gave them a slight you're-staying-whether-you-like-it-or-not glare, then returned to a normal face. "Look, just give this man a chance, okay. His name is Matt Foley, and he's from overseas. He was looking for work around here, so I gave him a job. Now, he's been upstairs drinking coffee for the last four hours or so, and he should be ready to go. Now, all of you sit down while I call him down."

The six teens reluctantly went back to their seats. Soun stepped up to the stairs. "Matt, we're ready for you!" He turned back to the teens. "His speech is called 'Go for it!' Now, he's used to big groups, so make him feel like there's a crowd here." He turned back to the stairs. "C'mon down, buddy!"

Soun walked back to his seat. Immediately, a large, overweight man with greased-over brown hair, large glasses, and wearing a plaid blue jacket with a green tie, rumbled down the stairs. He walked into the living room, and adjusted his pants and glasses. He spoke in a very outgoing manner.

"ALL RIGHT, HOW'S EVERYBODY? GOOD, GOOD, GOOD." He adjusted himself once again, and took in the group in front of him.

"NOW, AS YOUR FATHER PROBABLY TOLD YOU, MY NAME IS MATT FOLEY, AND I AM A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER! NOW, LET'S GET STARTED BY LETTING ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE SCENARIO OF WHAT _MY_ LIFE IS ALL ABOUT! FIRST OFF, I AM THRITY-FIVE YEARS OLD; I AM DIVORCED; AND I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

The teens all looked on with a little surprise in their eyes. He continued, moving his arms around in a weird manner as he spoke loudly. "NOW, YOU KIDS ARE PROBABLY THINKING TO YOURSELVES 'HEY, I'M GONNA GO OUT GET THE ONE PERSON I WANT, AND I'M GONNA GRAB 'EM, REEL 'EM IN, AND NEVER LET 'EM GO!' WELL, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA FIND OUT, AS YOU GO OUT THERE, SEARCHING FOR YOU ONE TRUE SOULMATE, THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND _JACK SQUAT_!"

Ranma and the others just continued to watch, still a bit dazed at the man's straightforwardness. The man continued his ridiculous speech. "YOU'RE GONNA END UP SINGLE, WORKING TWELVE HOURS A DAY FOR A WAGE LESS THAN A SWEATSHOP WORKER, AND LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

None of the group was very comfortable with this speaker. Ranma was rolling his eyes, Akane was sighing at the excessively loud voice, and the others were just plain bored, wondering why they had even come in the first place. Only Nabiki seemed to be having fun, enjoying the others' reactions to the newcomer.

Foley walked up to Ryoga, and stood next to him. "YOUNG MAN, WHO ARE YOU PLANNING ON BEING WITH FOR YOUR LIFE?"

Ryoga looked at him, and blinked, before looking back at Akane. He couldn't admit his feelings for her with her in the room. "Well…I _do_ have a girlfriend, so-"

"WELL, LA-DE-FREAKIN'-DA! WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A REAL STUD HERE!" He walked back over to Soun. "HEY DAD, I CAN'T SEE TOO WELL, IS THAT JOHNNY DEPP OVER THERE?"

Soun quietly spoke up. "Well, actually, Matt, Ryoga _does_ have a girlfriend, and she's very nice, and we are there to support him in his relationship."

Foley looked back at Soun in annoyance. "DAD, I WISH YOU COULD JUST SHUT YOUR BIG _YAPPER_!"

He walked back over to Ryoga. "NOW, I WONDER, RYOGA, FROM WHAT I HEAR, YOU CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN TWO GIRLS. ONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE YOU, BUT PROBABLY DOESN'T, AND ONE WHO DOES LIKE YOU! NOW THAT'S A PRETTY STUPID THING TO DO WHEN IT'S THAT OBVIOUS THAT ONLY ONE GIRL LIKES YOU! TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET! OTHERWISE, YOUR TWO-TIMING IS GONNA LAND YOU IN A BIG MESS, AND YOU'LL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

He then moved on to Ukyo. "YOUNG LADY, WHO ARE YOU PLANNING ON BEING WITH IN _YOUR_ LIFE?"

Ukyo hesitated for a moment, then spoke. "Well, I'm engaged to Ranma. I think I'll-"

"WELL, THAT CERTAINLY CLEARS THINGS UP, DOESN'T IT? BUT IT'S KINDA COMPLICATED, ISN'T IT? SEEING AS OLD RANNY HERE IS ALREADY ENGAGED TO TWO OTHER PEOPLE, I'D SAY YOU ONLY HAVE ABOUT ONE-THIRD OF RIGHTS TO HIM! AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP WHEN THE WIFE IS- WHAT IS IT YOU DO AGAIN?"

"I own a restaurant" she said, narrowing her eyes.

"OF COURSE, HOW COULD I FORGET. A REAL BUSINESS WOMAN WE GOT HERE!" He walked over to Ranma. "HEY, BOY, SEEING AS HOW THIS IS JAPAN, COULD YOU DEAL WITH YOUR WIFE DOING ALL THE WORK, AND YOU BEING FORCED TO LOOK AFTER THE FAMILY? NOT A VERY MANLY PRACTICE. YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER COULD HANDLE THAT?"

Ranma looked at Matt, a bit shocked, then threw a mad glance at his father, who just shrugged. "Okay, pal, first of all, I think I could get a job easy not matter what my wife was doing. And who are you to talk about what my mother wants?"

"OF COURSE, HOW RUDE OF ME." He turned back to Ukyo. "WELL, YOUNG LADY, DON'T GET YOUR HOPES ALL THE WAY UP, BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON A PRIZE THAT YOU NEVER END UP CATCHING, YOU'LL GO INTO DEEP DEPRESSION AT YOUR LOSS, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR ENTIRE BUSINESS AND EVERYTHING YOU WORKED FOR, AND YOU'LL SPEND THE REST OF YOUR DAYS MAKING PANCAKES OUT OF OLD SHOES, AND LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

Ukyo gave an annoyed look as Matt moved on to Shampoo and Mousse. He gave them both a look. "SORRY, BUT I DON'T SPEAK CHINESE. YOU TWO LOOK LIKE A NICE COUPLE, THOUGH. MOVING ON!"

Shampoo looked back at Foley, not knowing whether to feel insulted or relieved. Mousse was praying she'd take the comment to heart. When he looked over at her and smiled, she pounded him.

Matt walked up to Ranma and Akane. "NOW, FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, YOU TWO HAVE THE BIGGEST PROBLEM OUT THERE! AT LEAST THREE PURSUERS EACH, AND NOT A WAY TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THEM. SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE ONLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU DECIDED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU EVEN WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW! I MEAN, WHO GETS MARRIED WHEN THEY'RE SIXTEEN THESE DAYS? DO PEOPLE DIE YOUNG OVER HERE OR SOMETHING? FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT YOU DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER, BUT, WHENEVER SOMEONE ELSE HITS ON THE OTHER, YOU SPRING INTO ACTION! NOW WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT YOUR DAMN FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER?"

Ranma and Akane both blushed stuttered. "Wait, who said we liked each other?" Akane said.

"Yeah, who said I even liked this tomboy?" Ranma said.

Akane immediately slammed him to the ground. "Who's a tomboy!"

"NOW, NOW, THERE'S NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE HERE! JUST STOP FOR A MOMENT!"

Both Ranma and Akane stopped, and sat down.

"SEE, IT AIN'T SO HARD! LIKE THIS LADY RIGHT HERE!" He pointed to Nabiki, who looked surprised. He walked over to her as she rolled her eyes. She enjoyed watching others suffer at the hands of this man, but she didn't think she'd have to do it herself.

"YOUNG LADY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?"

Nabiki rolled her eyes, and said sarcastically, "I wanna live in a van down by the river."

The rest of the teens held in their stifles of laughter. Matt nodded his head. "WELL, YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER, WHEN…YOU'RE LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

Matt walked to the center of the room.

"GOOD. NOW, YOU KIDS ARE ALL PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELVES 'HEY, MATT! HOW CAN WE GET ON THE RIGHT TRACK TO RELATIONSHIP?' WELL, AS I SEE IT, THERE IS ONLY ONE SOLUTION! AND THAT IS FOR ME TO GET MY GEAR, MOVE IT ON IN HERE, CAUSE I'M GONNA BUNK WITH YOU BUDDY!" he said to Ranma. "WE'RE GONNA BE BUDDIES, WE'RE GONNA BE PALS, WE'RE GONNA-" he reached down and lifted Ranma by the waist and leg, "WRASTLE AROUND!" Ranma, as well as the others, were surprised at how easily Matt restrained Ranma using his weight. Ranma struggled, but could not get out until Matt let him down.

"OLD MATT'S GONNA BE YOUR SHADOW! HERE'S YOU, HERE'S MATT! THERE'S YOU, THERE'S-" he jumped to the side, but tripped, and fell face down onto the table, crushing it. Everyone backed away as Matt slowly rose to his feet.

"WHOOPSA DAISY, WHOOPSA DAISY…MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CLEAN THAT UP LATER." He gestured towards Ranma and Akane. "ME AND MY BUDDIES! MY PALS, MY AMIGOS! NOW I''M GONNA GET MY GEAR!"

He started walking towards the door. Ranma and Akane immediately got up, and ran after him.

"No, no, no, wait, Matt! You don't have to do go, man, you don't need to-" Ranma said, before he was cut off by Akane.

"No, you don't have to do that! We'll get this problem sorted out today, we promise!"

Soun walked to the door. "Uh, Matt, thanks for all you've done!"

Matt walked back up to the door. "I DON'T GIVE A RATS' BEHIND, CAUSE I'M MOVIN' IN. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF _LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER_!"

He walked back out. As soon as he did, Soun slammed the door. Everyone started boarding up the doors and windows as fast as they could. When they were done, they all gathered together.

"Is every opening secured?"

"Yes" Ukyo said.

Soun breathed a sigh of relief. "I love you all."

"We love you too, dad" Akane replied. All the teens and adults gathered together in a giant hug of security, praying that the man outside would give up hope of entering the dojo.


End file.
